First the all, there"s been a most confusion around the order of"Polak." It"s no "Polock", "Polack", or "Pollock." and it"s not"Pole", because that"s something you stick old, worn-out boots on.It"s just plain "Polak", since that"s how it"s assignment in Polish.No, really.I myself to be Polish, and I"m no dead-headed enough to gain offended byPolish jokes. I need to admit, polish jokes have tendency to be the most creativeand attractive of any type of jokes I"ve ever heard. That"s why i took top top the taskto translate in a list for rec.humor.This is by no method a complete list, yet it"s all I can find/think ofat the time. I"ll be posting this perform irregularly at first, but thenprobably on the first day of each month.DisclaimerPlease don"t send me any kind of flames if you are offended by any type of jokes inthis list. They"re not meant to offend, however to entertain. Enjoythem...keep an open up mind. I"m not out come target the polish community(after all, I"m component of it).InstructionsI"m a computer Science major at Yale, so at some point I"ll compose aprogram that indexes this perform automatically; that"s why there aretildes (~) in front of each section title. The regimen will it is in asimple ANSI-C program, so I have the right to eventually article that too and also it willbe conveniently recompiled for any system. Yes, I"m one of those human being whospends his extra time including commands come UNIX. :-)Thanks for every the contributions...we"re almost topping 50.Do widzenia,~1An American is walking down the street when he sees a Polakwith a very long pole and also a yardstick. He"s stand the pole ~ above itsend and trying to reach the height of it v his yardstick.Seeing the Polak"s ignorance, the American wrenches the poleout the his hand, lays the on the sidewalk, measures it with theyardstick, and says, "There! 10 feet long."The Polak take away the yardstick and also shouts, "You you are fool American!I don"t care how lengthy it is! I want to know how high that is!"~2Polish firing squad, was standing in a circle.~3New polishing navy has glass bottom boats, to see to the old polishing navy.~4Polish wedding, the groom stand by the reset button (bowling joke).~5Polish kamikaze flew 48 effective missions.~6Polish loan shark lends the end all his money, skips town.~7Q. Why don"t polish women usage vibrators?A. The chips their teeth.~8Q. How do friend sink a polish battleship?A. Put it in water.~9Q: have actually you checked out the polish mine detector.A1: placed you fingers in your ears and start stamping the ground with your foot.A2: start backing up and waving the detector in prior of you.~10A polish male wins a brand new sports auto in a contest. Hedrives around all the moment waving at the rednecks. Someday therednecks protect against him, they attract a one in the dirt and also say "If you stepout of the circle, we will certainly kick your ass." They choose up hammers andstart busting up his brand-new car. They look back and the is smiling. Theyhit the vehicle some more, and he is laughing. Lock walk over to the andask "Why are you laughing, we just busted up her car."He claims "I know, yet I stepped the end of the one 9 times."~11Did girlfriend hear about the terrible car accident last night? Apolish family on vacation lost every one of their children. The pickuptruck they to be riding in ran turn off the road right into a lake and sank to thebottom. The parents obtained out the the cab OK but all the kids in theback drowned...they couldn"t get the tailgate open.~12A Polish and also an Italian are searching in the woods. All of sudden anaked mrs appears.Italian: Boy, I might eat her!...The Polish guy shot her.~13Why wasn"t Christ born in Poland?Because they couldn"t discover three wisemen and a virgin.~14Q: What carry out you gain if girlfriend integrate approximately Europe?A: Zero. Since there are no poles in Europe. Actually, there room some Poles in Europe, but they"re removable.~15Q: Why did the Polak cross the road?A: the couldn"t get his cock out the the chicken.~16Q: just how do you obtain a one-armed Polak out of a tree?A: tide to him.~17The Minnesota Fish and also Game Comission want to construct a fish thatwould offer an ext for their sportsmen so they crossed a Coho with aWalleye and also called the a Kowal. It grew to a pretty size and reproducedwell however it wouldn"t bite. They crossed the Kowal through a Muskie andcalled it a Kowalski yet they to be so stupid they had actually to teach themhow to swim.~18Two polishing hunters to be driving v the country to go bearhunting. They came upon a fork in the roadway where a sign review "BEARLEFT" so they go home.~19These two Polish men rent a boat and go fishing in a lake. They areamazed at the variety of fish the they caught that day, therefore one claims tothe other, "We"ll need to come earlier here tomorrow!"The various other asks, "But how will we remember where this point out is?"The an initial guy climate takes a deserve to of spray paint, paints one X onthe bottom that the boat, and says, "We"ll just look because that this Xtomorrow."The other man says, "You idiot! how do you understand we"ll acquire thesame boat?"~20Did you hear in the news the a 747 recently crashed in a cemetery inPoland? The polishing officials have actually so far retrieved 2000 bodies.~21A Pole, English, and French man are to run away from the Germansoldiers when they come up to a forest and also they decision to hide through eachcliming a tree. When the Germans arrive, they go to the an initial treewhere the English male is, and also shout, "We understand you"re up there; comedown."The English guy, thinking fast, says, "Twit, twit, twit..."The Germans, reasoning that it"s a bird, move on come the nexttree whereby the French male is and also once again shout, "We understand you"re upthere; come down."The French guy, thinking fast, says, "Woo, woo, woo..."The Germans, thinking that it"s an owl, relocate on to the nexttree wherein the Polish guy is and also once again shout, "We recognize you"re upthere; come down."The Polish man thinks because that a while and then says, "Moo, moo,moo..."~22An English man is driving v a Polish male as his passenger,when he decides to pull over since he suspect that his rotate signalmay not be working. That asks the Polish male if that doesn"t mental steppingout of the car to examine the lamp while he tests them. The polishing guysteps out and stands in front of the car.The English guy turns on the revolve signal and also asks, "Is itworking?"To which the Polish man responds, "Yes, it"s working....No,it"s no working....Yes, it"s working....No, it"s not working...."~23On the food selection of a polish hotel:Salad a firm"s own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings inthe kind of a finger; roasted duck permit loose; beef rashers to win upin the nation people"s fashion.~24Three males are traveling in the Amazon, a German, an American, and aPolak, and they get captured by some Amazons. The head the the tribesays to the German, "What carry out you want on your back for her whipping?"The German responds, "I will take oil!"So they put oil ~ above his back, and also a big Amazon whips the 10times. Once he is perfect the German has actually these vast welts top top hisback, and also he can hardly move.The Amazons to draw the German away, and also say come the Polak, "Whatdo you want on her back?""I will certainly take nothing!" says the Polak, and he stand therestraight and takes his 10 lashings without a solitary flinch."What will you take on your back?" the Amazons questioning theAmerican.He responds, "I"ll take the Polak!"~24Q: exactly how did the Germans dominate Poland for this reason fast?A: castle marched in backwards and the Polish assumed they to be leaving.~25Q: Why do Polish police cars have actually stripes on the side?A: for this reason the cops can discover the handles.~26A patience goes to a polishing doctor.Patient:I am having a difficult time hearing. I cannot also hear myselfcough.Doctor:Here is a prescription, take the midicine for 7 days,then return for a checkup.Seven work later....Patient:Thanks a million Doctor; at least I deserve to hear myself cough now. For this reason what walk you execute to do me hear better?Doctor:Not much, I gave you medicine that increased your caugh.~27This Polak came residence one work from work, hung increase his coat, tookoff his hat and walked right into his bedroom shouting "honey i am home!"What have to he see however his best friend in bed through his wife.Infuriated, that rushed to the cupboard, pulled the end his gun and put itto his head. His wife started laughing."Don"t laugh!" that screams. "You"re next!"~28A Polak, one American, and a German had actually a room complete of dirtytampons, and they chose to have a dispute to watch who might stay inthere the longest. Very first it to be the American"s turn. The various other twolocked him in the room and also waited. A main later, lock heard himwhimpering and pounding top top the door therefore they let the out."That is the sickest smell i have ever before endured!" cried theAmerican. "I couldn"t remain in there another minute!"Next it to be the German"s turn. ~ a month he ultimately bangedon the door to it is in let out. "Oh God, the is the many putrid smell inthe world! i couldn"t take it one more minute!" he cried together he gaspedfor breath.Finally it to be the Polak"s turn. Lock locked the in the roomand waited. A week went by, a month, a year. The German and also Americanheard nothing. Ultimately they started to worry, therefore they yelled v thedoor, "You have the right to come out now! You"ve won the dispute by far!"To i beg your pardon the Polak yelled back, "No, no yet! I"m no doneeating the jelly donuts."~29Q: how do you tell which is the Groom in ~ a polish wedding?A: He"s the one through the CLEAN bowling shirt.~30Q: just how do you avoid a Polish military on horseback?A: turn off the carousel.~31A Polak wanted to join an amateur baseball team. The coachlooked him over and also decided to offer him a chance."I will give you 3 questions," claimed the coach. "If youcome earlier in a week and also answer them every correctly, you"re top top theteam.""Fair enough!" stated the Polak eagerly.The coach proceeded, "Here are your questions. First, just how manydays room there in a main that begin with the letter "T"? Second, howmany secs are there in a year? and also third, how plenty of d"s are there in"Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer?""Next week, the Polak come back, emotion all confident that heknew the right answers. So again the coach said, "So how many days inthe week that start with "T"?"The Polak said, "Two!""Very good!" said the coach. And what space they?""Today and also Tomorrow!""Hmm... OK," said the coach. "How plenty of seconds room there in ayear?""Twelve!""Twelve? how did you come up with twelve?" The coach wasperplexed."Well," stated the Polak, "there"s the 2nd of January, thesecond of February, the 2nd of...""Um.. OK," broke in the coach. "How countless d"s in "Rudolph theRed Nosed Reindeer?"""Oh, the is easy!" laughed the Polak. "Three hundreds andsixty-five!""WHAT?" cry the coach. "How did you get that figure?"To i beg your pardon the Polak sang, "dee dee dee-dee-dee dee-dee...." ~32A Polak saw a priest walking down the street. Noticing hiscollar, he stopped him and said, "Excuse me, yet why are you attract yourshirt backwards?"The priest laughed, "Because, my son, i am a Father!"The Polak scratched his head. "But i am a father too, and also Idon"t wear my shirt backwards!"Again the monk laughed. "But i am a dad of thousands!"To which the Polak replied, "Well climate you need to wear your shortsbackwards!"~33A Polak went to a carpenter and also said, "Can you build me a boxthat is 2 inches high, two inches wide, and fifty feet long?""Hmm..." mused the carpenter. "It can be done, ns suppose,but what would you desire a box favor that for?""Well, you see," stated the Polak, "my neighbor relocated away andforgot some things, for this reason he request me to send the his garden hose."~34Did you hear around the latest Polish invention? It"s a solar-poweredflashlight.~35A travel salesman has an audience through the Pope and, notquite knowing what come say make the efforts to break the ice with a joke..."Have girlfriend heard the one about the 2 Polish priests, holy Father?""But i _am_ Polish, my son."There followed a pregnant pause while the salesperson thought conveniently ..."That"s OK, holy Father, I"ll tell friend it slowly."~36Q: How numerous Polaks go it take it to change a irradiate bulb?A: 3. One to was standing on a chair and also hold the bulb and also the other two tospin the chair.~37A Polak wanted to learn exactly how to sky dive. He gained an instructorand started lessons. The instructor told the Polak to jump the end of theplane and also pull his rip cord. The instructor then defined that hehimself would certainly jump out ideal behind the so the they would go downtogether. The Polak understood and also was ready.The time came to have the Polak run from the waiting plane. Theinstructor reminded the Polak the he would be best behind him. ThePolak conduct to run from the aircraft and after gift in the wait fora few seconds pulled the rip cord. The instructor followed by jumpingfrom the plane. The instructor traction his rip cord yet the parachutedid no open. The instructor, frantically trying to acquire his parachuteopen, darted past the Polak.The Polak seeing this yelled, as he undid the straps to hisparachute, "So girlfriend wanna race, eh?"~38Q: What carry out you carry out if a Polak throw a pen at you?A: Run favor hell - he"s still acquired a hand-grenade between his teeth.~39Q: What do you execute if a Polak litter a hand-grenade at you?A: take it the pin out and throw that back.~40An Englishman, a Frenchman and also a Polak were recorded by theGermans and thrown into prison. However, the security was quite kindtowards them, and also said, "I am going to lock you away for 5 years,_but_ I"ll permit you have actually anything you want now prior to I lock you away."The brothers says, "I"ll have 5 years" it is provided of beer!"His great is granted, and also they lock the away v his beer.The Frenchman says, "I"ll have five years" it is provided of brandy!"His great is granted, and also they lock the away through his brandy.The Polak says, "I"ll have five years" it is provided of cigarettes!"His great is granted, and they lock him away through his cigarettes.Five years later, the Germans involved release theirprisoners. First, they relax the Englishman, who staggers outtotally drunk. Then, they relax the Frenchman, who likewise rolls outrather inebriated. Then, they release the Polak, who comes the end andsays, "Has anyone gained a light?"~41A Polish man is walking along the coast in France. Over there aremany beautiful females lying in the sun, and also he really wants to meetone. But shot as the might, the women don"t seem come be in ~ allinterested. Finally, as a last resort, he walks up to a French guylying ~ above the beach that is surrounding by adoring women."Excuse me," that says, acquisition the guy aside, "but I"ve beentrying to fulfill one that those females for about an hour now, and I justcan"t seem come get all over with them. You"re French. You recognize thesewomen. What carry out they *want*?""Maybe i can assist a leetle beet," says the Frenchman. "Whatyou do ees you go to zee store. Friend buy a leetle bikini sweemingsuit. Girlfriend walk up and also down zee beach. You meet girl an extremely qweeklyzees way." "Wow! Thanks!" states the polishing guy, and also off that goes to thestore. He buys a skimpy red shower suit, puts the on, and also goes backto the beach. That parades up and down the beach yet still has actually no luckwith the ladies.So he goes ago to the Frenchman. "I"m sorry to stroked nerves youagain," he says, "but I checked out the store, I acquired a swimsuit, and I*still* haven"t been able to meet a girl.""Okay," says the Frenchman, "I tell you what girlfriend do. Friend goto zee store. You buy potato. You placed potato in sweeming fit andwalk up and down zee beach. Friend will accomplish girl very, very qweeklyzees way.""Thanks!" says the guy, and runs turn off to the store. The buys thepotato, puts the in the swimsuit, and also marches up and also down the beach.Up and also down, up and also down the walks, however the women will hardly even lookat him. After fifty percent an hour the can"t take it anymore and goes earlier tothe Frenchman."Look," he says, "I obtained the suit, I placed the potato in it, andI walked up and also down the beach-- and also still nothing! What more can Ido?""Well," claims the Frenchman, "maybe ns can assist you a leetlebeet. Why don"t you shot moving zee potato come the *front* of zeesweeming suit?"~42A Journalist has to write a story top top the absence of meat inPoland. So he goes off to Poland and also asks the people:"Excuse me, what carry out you think of the absence of meat in Poland?"All the poles reply: "Meat? What is meat?"Seeing he cannot get response in Poland he goes come the USSRand asks the Soviets:"Excuse me, what do you think the the absence of meat in Poland?"All the Soviets reply: "Think? What is think?"Seeing he cannot get solution in the USSR that goes come the USAand asks the Americans:"Excuse me, what execute you think that the absence of meat in Poland?"All the americans reply: "Lack? What is lack?"Seeing he can not get solution in the USA he decides to go toIsrael, and asks the Israelis:"Excuse me, what perform you think the the lack of meat in Poland?"To which all the Israelis reply: "Excuse me? What is excuseme?"~43One Russian and one polish workman to be digging thefoundations for a brand-new road. ~ several hrs of hard toil, thePolish male hits his shovel on something difficult in the ground. Both menwork hurriedly to destruction the object out and also discover that its a treasurechest. On opened it they discover jewels, coins, yellow etc. Past theirwildest dreams. Both space wild v happiness and dance aroundmadly. When they have actually calmed down, the Russian bring away the Polishworkman"s hand and also ernestly states "Sir, we will certainly share this simply likeRussian - polish comrades should" and also the Polish man says, "Oh no, 50 - 50".~44A Russian party-official arrives so late at night to his hotel(in Russia). He is no surprised to discover that his reservation has beenmislaid however he is more than a small peeved the his condition in theparty isn"t enough to get him a an excellent room anyway. However, the clerkinsists, the only bed they have actually left is the fourth bunk in a 4-beddorm - he"ll have to make carry out with that. The Russian grumbles buteventually he picks up his suitcase and also heads because that the dorm. On hisway, the meets a chamber-maid and thinking he can as well try to makefriends through his room-mates, he asks her to lug them 4 cups oftea.As that enters the dorm, that finds the the various other three guestsare Polish, they are having a fairly wild party and also they"re *very*drunk. They also ignore him completely from the moment he enters. Aftersitting over there for several minutes, that realizes he can"t stand themanymore and also decides to traction a hoax on them. He stands up, grasps afloor lamp and also speaking into the light-bulb together if it were a microphonehe says: "Comrade Colonel, we would like four cups that tea to our roomimmediately!" The Poles rigid at the in disbelief, which transforms tohorror as the chamber-maid knocks ~ above the door and delivers the tea afew minutes later. In about 30 secs the Poles have all packed theirbags and fled the hotel. Our Russian it s okay the entire room tohimself. That sleeps an extremely soundly.The following morning, however, together he"s check out and is aboutto leave, the desk-clerk calls after ~ him:"By the way, Sir, the Comrade Colonel claimed to tell you heappreciated your small joke last night!"~45Man goes come a prostitute house. The Madam is the end of ladies but,since the man is polishing she thinks she can acquire away through a blow updoll and he will certainly never recognize the difference. Being a little bit nervousbecause she has never make the efforts this one before, The Madam waits outsidethe door. The Ploack comes out in five minutes. "How was it?", saysthe Madam."I don"t know," states the Polak, "I little bit her ~ above the tit and also shefarted and flew out the window!"~46Q: how do you know if a Polak has actually been making use of a computer?A: There"s whiteout ~ above the screen.~47Did girlfriend hear about the polishing Admiral that wanted to be burried at seawhen he died? 5 sailors passed away digging his grave.~48A Polish man was walking under the street, moving a brownpaper bag. The ran right into one of his friends, that asked, "Hey! What doyou have actually in the bag?" The male tells his friend that he has actually some fishin the bag. His friend says, "Well, I"ll do you a bet. If ns canguess how many fish you have actually in the bag, you"ll have actually to give me one."The guy says, "I"ll tell friend what. If girlfriend tell me how manyfish I have actually in this bag, I"ll offer you both the them."~49Q: just how do you take it census in a polish village?A: role a quarter under the street, counting the legs, divide by two, andsubtract one for the Jew who captures it.~50Q: who wears a dirty white robe and rides a pig?A: Lawrence the Poland.~51Q: that wears a woodland ranger"s hat and also carries a can of kerosene?A: Stanislaus the Fire prevention Bear the the Polish national ForestService.~52A Polak, a black color guy, and a white guy were driving with thedesert when they suddenly ran the end of gas. Castle all chose to startwalking come the nearest city (which they had passed 50 mile back) toget some help.A rancher was sitting on his prior porch that evening when hesaw the white male top the horizon and also walk towards him. The ranchernoticed the the white man was delivering a glass of water, so once hewas within hearing distance, the rancher said, "Hi there...what areyou doing carring a glass of water v the desert?"The white guy explained his predicament and explained thatsince he had actually a long means to go, he can get thirsty, so that"s why hewas delivering the water.A little while later on the rancher noticed the black male walkingtoward him v a bread of bread in his hand. "What space you doing?"asked the rancher again.As before, the black guy described the situation and also said thatsince he had actually a long way to go, he might get hungry and also that"s why hehad the bread.Finally the Polak appeared, dragging a vehicle door through thesand. More curious than ever, the rancher asked, "Hey, why room youdragging that automobile door?""Well," said the Polak, "I have a long way to go, therefore if itgets as well hot, I"ll roll under the window."~53Did you hear around the tragedy in Poland? In Poland"s largest shoppingmall, there to be a destructive power outage. Civilization were grounding on theescalators for 4 hours.~54Did girlfriend hear around the Polish family members that froze to death outside atheater? lock were waiting to watch the movie "Closed for the Winter."~55Two polish truck vehicle drivers are barreling along when they come up to anoverpass. A sign says, "Clearance: 11"2"." for this reason they gain out, measuretheir truck, and also realize the it"s 11"6". For this reason the an initial Polak watch atthe 2nd Polak and says, "I don"t see any kind of cops around....let"s gofor it!"~56Polish waiting Lines trip 113 to be descending for a landing at anairport they had never been to before. The pilot looked out thewindshield and suddenly exclaimed come the copilot, "Holy cow! look howshort the runway is! I`ve never ever seen one the short!"The copilot looked the end the windshield. "Wow! you`re right!That`s incredible! room you sure we can make it?""Well we better, were practically out of fuel."So the captain got on the intercom and also notified the passengersto placed their heads in between their knees and prepare because that an emergencylanding. Then he set the flaps to complete down and slowed the aircraft tojust end stall speed. The large jumbo jet come screaming in, on theragged sheet of control. The pilot`s hands to be sweating, the copilotwas praying.
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They touch down and also came screeching come a halt JUSTbefore the leaf of the runway, the tires smoking. "WHEW! the wasCLOSE!" yelled the captain."That runway was SHORT!""Yeah!" claimed the copilot,"and broad too!